Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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