well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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