Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
