I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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