i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
