My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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