last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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