drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
