My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
