Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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