I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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