Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
