Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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