you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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