first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
