hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
