I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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