the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
