She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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