i think i have two assholes
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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