apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
