I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
