i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What a dumb baby whore.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
