Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
