why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
