I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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