If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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