Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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