Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
