He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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