made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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