I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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