everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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