Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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