when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
