He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My breasts were aching with rage.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
