I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
