what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
