Whod you bang
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
