She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
