I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
