i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
