i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
