I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I wear drunk well.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
