peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
