Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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