i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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