The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
