he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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