I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
