You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
