he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
